If you're an Englishman, you've probably got an umbrella, so the
cab driver's gonna take you the long way round. If he does, say, 'Don't fuck with me.' What it means is 'I may be from outta town, but I know the game.' Don't emphasise the word fuck; let it flow of the tongue. At that
point he'll say, 'OK, OK. I'm not trying to fuck with you.' Or he'll stop the car and say, 'What do you mean I'm trying to fuck with you?' In which case you shouldn't have got in with that guy in the first place.
Crumbs. So American taxi drivers are as shifty as British cabbies?
They're all greedy fuckers, so don't tell the guy what hotel you're staying at, tell him what street. If you're staying at the Soho Grand, say,
'Come out on the West Broadway.' If he doesn't say anything back to you, say, 'You fuckin' heard me, right?'
Swearing's pretty important then?
You shouldn't cuss to much. You get a lot of people saying 'fuck
this', 'fuck that' in casual conversation, but you're better of avoiding it. 'Motherfucker' sounds so different when English guys say it, but it's not even a bad word in New York City: 'Motherfucker this, motherfucker
that…'
So it's not a bad approach to try on the ladies?
No. But your accent is going to make you very attractive to chicks. Remember, you're not like everyone else. If you say [bad English accent]
'Good afternoon, love' they'll love it, man. It's better than the usual 'How ya doin', sweetheart'.
And how does a native New Yorker like yourself talk to these 'chicks'?
Oh, I'm a big star, I have other people to do that for me. I'm a lady killer bro.
We'd say, 'She's ugly as a warthog'. You'd say?
She looks like Keith Sweat.
We'd say, 'Be off with you, you cad'. You'd say?
The C word – but I can't even say it because a woman brought me up. I still blush when I hear it. That's the roughest word you can say over here. That would
definitely evoke a response.
We'd say, 'Hello friend, I haven't seen you for aeons. Would you join me for a glass of ale? You'd say?
Yo bro, what you been at? Locked up? Naaaaaaaah! Let me get you a beer. Or
a Miller Genuine Draft.
'Naaaaaaah'?
It's the newest street word. You use it instead of saying 'Yeah'. I know it's wrong, but….
What does 'Ba-da-bing' mean?
If you came up to me in the street and
said it, I'd ask what the fuck you were talking about. I might say it if I was golfing and hit a good shot, or if I was handing someone a really strong joint. But don't accentuate it too much, just a simple badda bing.
In ye olde Britain, teachers would put marbles in your mouth to make you speak properly. What would you use in New York?
You would most certainly use bolognese.
And who is the King of New York, talk-wise?
It's gotta be Jackie Mason. There's your new hip-hop style or your old school, but the old talk is coming back. It sounds better. I openly refuse to call someone a homie.
Do you meet many Englishmen in New York?
I've seen the Spice Girls and man, those bitches are scary! What happened to Baby Spice, man? She looks like a porno actress. There's a barrier with famous chicks like
Baby Spice. Guys say, 'Yo, I'd like to fuck her', but there's always that mystery because those women might not be good fucks. My big idea for making loads of money is using porno actresses as musicians, and having a
DVD of them in action on the CD. So, when people wonder what she fucks like, they can buy it and see.
Indeed. What are Scooby Snacks?
Scooby Snacks are a term for anything you want, but originally they were supposed to be pills.
Finally, can you tell us what pretzels are about?
Some German guy brought them over with him. They're usually
consumed to soak up the beer. The thing about Germans is that if they drink beer and don't soak it up, they get all these fucked-up ideas. And boy, you don't want that happening.